With the report that a total of five U.S. citizens have been diagnosed with the Zika virus, many Americans are asking questions about the virus in regards to its symptoms and how it is transmitted. Never one to shy away from educating America, we here at Doc Palindrome have opted in answer some of the most commonly-asked questions about the virus.
1. What is the Zika virus?
Zika is a Flaviviridae virus, which means it is a virus to which mammals are susceptible and is spread through small arthropods which subsist off the blood of these mammals (such as ticks and mosquitos). The common symptoms are rash, joint pain, fever, and conjunctivitis (red eyes) which last anywhere from a few days to a week. It can be treated with rest, fluids, and acetaminophen, which can be found in most aspirin substitutes like Tylenol and Aspirin-Free Excedrin.
The Zika virus has, thus far, only been transmitted through mosquito bites; specifically from the Aedes-species of mosquito which is known for spreading a handful of other viruses from person to person. These mosquitos to not carry the virus forever, as the virus does not survive long outside of a proper host. Even in areas of the world where these mosquitos are present, transmission of the Zika virus is incredibly rare.
There have been some indications that Zika can cause birth defects, specifically microcephaly, in the children of pregnant women, but this has yet to be proven. In addition, there is one reported case, each, of Zika being transmitted through blood transfusion and sexual contact, although these have yet to be substantiated.
Zika occurs in the Southern areas of the world: South America, Africa, the Caribbean, etc. Since April of 2015, there has been somewhat of an outbreak of Zika in Brazil and the CDC has issued a suggestion that pregnant women traveling to this part of the world. Even still, the severity of the virus is very minor, for an adult. The effects on Zika in regards to microcephaly is still being examined and is not well-understood.
2. I have a rash, do I have the Zika virus?
Probably not. Unless you are suffering from a fever or any of the other symptoms AND have very recently travelled to South America, the likelihood of you having the Zika virus is virtually zero. Even then, it is likely that this is the effect of something else.
3. My neighbor’s teenage son has red eyes, does he have the Zika virus?
As I noted with the second question, unless he meets the other criteria, it is nearly impossible for your neighbor’s son to have Zika. He’s probably just high.
4. I’m going to go burn their house down, just in case.
That wasn’t a ques… Wait, what?! No! Don’t do that!
5. Okay, I’m back. I live in Michigan and I traveled to Tennessee for the holidays, do I have the Zika virus?
What?! No! Unless you meet the criteria of having very recently (within the last two weeks) having traveled to South America or other areas where Zika is known to occur, it is practically impossible for you to have the Zika virus.
Also, did you really burn…
6. I live in Arkansas, do I have the Zika virus?
I thought you said you live in Michigan.
7. Answer the fucking question.
Okay, okay, well, once again, unless you JUST GOT BACK FROM SOUTH AMERICA, the possibility of being infected with the Zika virus is infinitesimally small! The possibility is very low even if you have traveled to South America, recently.
8. I would never go to South America, it’s filled with illegal immigrants.
I… I can’t…
9. Another neighbor I have often takes business trips to Rio de Jeneiro. She got back from one about a week ago and had a fever. She noted that the day before she left, she was bitten by a mosquito and was also saying that she had a rash and her eyes looked a little red. Does she have Zika virus?
Listen!!! Unless someone meets the criteria I stated over and over, the likelihood…
Wait. Yeah, it’s possible she might have the Zika virus.
But I implore you: please, do not burn down her house!!!
10. Too late.
11. What kind of zombies does the Zika virus create?
12. Like, is it the standard undead zombie that you can kill by shooting it in the head (like the ones in The Walking Dead) or some kind of wussy rage-zombie that dies just like a normal person but is just crazy (like in Zombieland or 28 Days Later) or some kind of super zombie that just keeps coming until it’s completely destroyed (like in Return of the Living Dead or Marvel Zombies)?
I don’t… I can’t…
13. I just want to be prepared, so I feel this kind of information is vital and none of it was mentioned on those web sites that you put links up to, which were clearly developed by the inter-governmental conspiracy to spy on all real Americans and the world conspiracy to enable Socialism to gain global control and destroy freedom, respectively. Also, possibly feminists. Clearly I can’t trust anything these sites say because they mention that they use “science.”
14. Answer. The fucking. Question.
The Zika virus DOES NOT CREATE ANY KIND OF ZOMBIES! The ONLY effect of the virus is rash, fever, joint pain, and red eyes. There MAY be a link between the Zika virus and the microcephaly birth defect in pregnant women, but this is still being investigated. If it is related, it is only in about 1% of cases of affected pregnant women.
15. What is microcephaly?
It means that the child is born with a head that is smaller skull, which means that the brain has a hard time growing, within. It often results in a child suffering seizures and brain damage and a reduced lifespan.
The cause of microcephaly is wide-ranging, as it is with many birth defects, and a means of prevention and proper treatment has yet to be found. The condition is very serious and very sad and those that suffer with it deserve our empathy, sympathy, and support.
You can read more about microcephaly, here.
16. So, we’re talking tiny-headed baby zombies. Hmm, tough to target the brain. Flamethrower it is!
Wha is wrong with… you’re just so… please don’t…
17. Thanks for warning me about this liberal, illegal immigrant, fascist, feminist, baby-zombie threat to freedom. Without this informative article, I wouldn’t have known about it and I would not have been able to stem the tide of the growing threat to freedom in my very own neighborhood. I hear sirens, now. I’m certain that emergency services are seeking to converge on my place of residence so we can set up a base of operations and functionally destroy all potential Zika-baby-zombie factories. None of this would be possible without your Pinko method of seeking out “facts” and ensuring that people are “properly informed.”
18. One more question.
19. How long will it take Donald Trump to completely eradicate the Zika-zombie threat once he is president?
You are aware that there are plenty of much-more qualified candidates available to those of a Conservative mind-set, besides Trump, right?
20. The fucking question. Answer it.
*sigh* I don’t know, how long does it take to deal with any imaginary threat? How long does it take to deal with the aliens in Area 51 or Bigfoot? How long does it take to deal with the Loch Ness Monster or black helicopters?
Here’s a question: how long does it take to deal with an uninformed public that is willing to absorb profit-driven media which would rather have a panicked and fearful viewership who were too afraid to leave their televisions over an informed, knowledgeable, educated populace who are capable of making logical and sound decisions on their own?
Oh, that shut you up, didn’t it?! Don’t have anything to add now, do you?!?! Try consipiricizing that, asshole!!!
22. Well it took two weeks to take care of Bigfoot, so I’m going to guess you’re saying it’ll take Trump two weeks.
23. Also, the Loch Ness Monster is just a myth, stupid. I guess you feel pretty dumb, huh?
*fetal position with organic sorbet*
*never talking to anyone again*